she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize