I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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