And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
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I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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