Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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