if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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