Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
