you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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