you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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