nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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