You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
