i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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