the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
