and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
