Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
