when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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