I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
