Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
