I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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