my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
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I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.