Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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