So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
