Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
