Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
