She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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