oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar