This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me