I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Less talking, more tequila
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.