party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously