I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.