ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
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I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
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It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.