listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.