All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
