Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize