No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
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I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
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So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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