So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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