if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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