I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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