I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
