He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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