Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
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Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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