Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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