i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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