omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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