thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
