my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
