I wish life had little blips of pornography
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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