A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
