I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
