If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
