You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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