Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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