I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.