Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...