please come you make the beer taste better
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dating After Heartbreak
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy